Bah Humbug

Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I loved listening to the Christmas songs, seeing decorations everywhere, knowing it was around the corner...now? Not so much. Now Christmas is a nuisance, it's a painful reminder of how single I actually am. Besides my immediate family I have no one to buy gifts for. Christmas isn't fun for me. There are no kids in the family and the day itself is uneventful. The commercials annoy me. Especially the jewelry commercials which I mentioned in my last entry. I change the channel now. Those reminders of just how alone I am don't help my mood.

It seems like every year something bad happens. In all honestly the last year that was good from start to finish for me was 2000. 2001 was pretty awful. 2002 the same, 2003 yeah bad, 2004 ugh, 2005...actually 2005 was mostly okay. 2006 AWFUL. 2007 more of the same. 2008 had some really good parts but ended on a shitty note and now here we are in 2009 and as usual I'm happy for the end of the year's arrival.

What will 2010 bring? Who the hell knows.

But I am foolishly hopeful that something good will happen. That mostly good things will happen. 2000, 2005, 2010...it could happen, right?

Stay tuned.

Holiday Blues

I should be happy. I have a job, I'm healthy and things are getting better for me...and yet I cry daily. Not for a long time. It's usually just short bursts of tears at random points of the day. Sometimes they just happen for no reason, other times something sets me off. A song, a smell, a sight...I think it's the time of the year. It makes us single people feel even more alone. I'd like to be with someone for the Holidays just once.

I have to change the channel every time a Kay Jewelers commercial comes on. I get irrationally angry at them. Every kiss begins with Kay? How about every kick begins with Kay? Ugh. And 'He went to Jared'? Another vomit inducing commercial. I'd like to punch Jared in the gut.

Oh wow there I go again. Crying. So annoying. At least I don't do it in front of people and if I feel like it's going to happen in front of people I calm myself down. I psyche myself out so to speak. I nearly burst into tears on the train last night for no reason. And I almost always cry before I go to bed...alone.

Pathetic.

What is the point of this entry? There is no point. I'm rambling about nonsense. Maybe that's why I'm single ;-)

No Holds Barred

I'm not censoring myself anymore. I will talk about how I feel and I don't care if it bothers certain people. I'm being selfish now because I have to make myself happy.

But not tonight because I'm too tired.

April Showers

Rainy night
Cambridge Hotel room
Secret meeting
Removed clothes
Right away
The bed first
Awkward
Timid
Then
Comfortable
familiar
the bathroom counter second
Sexy
Naughty
Fun
Then
The bed again
Dirty
Hot
Sweaty
Didn’t want it to end
But it had to.

Walk off Victories are AWESOME

My brother and I have been to a lot of good games at the old Yankee Stadium. Our most recent walk off victory before last night was on May 16th 2006 when the Yankees came back to beat Texas 14-13 after being down 9-0 in the 2nd inning.

Last night's game was a pitching duel. The Orioles struck first with one run in the first and the Yankees answered with one run of their own in the second. After that there were lots of ground ball outs, double plays galore and dazzling defensive plays on both ends. Andy Pettitte made me eat my words. Good on him.

By the 8th inning I was getting a bit worried that my Yankee jeans mojo was running out. It seemed like the Yankees were never going to be able to score another run and the Orioles kept getting close. I figured they were going to strike first especially since Hughes and Mo were not available out of the bullpen. My fear was they would score and I'd have to see Brian Bruney give up 4 more runs. Thankfully that didn't happen.

When the bottom of the 9th started I had this odd feeling of calm come over me. I was in a good mood all day and I felt like I was going to be rewarded for it. And I was right. Although truthfully my feeling was that A Rod was going to the hero. I don't think I've ever seen A Rod get a walk off hit. I've seen Tony Womack of all people get a walk off hit. Come on. Anyway, back to the game. Matsui was fighting off pitches and broke his bat. And just before that last pitch I did this thing with my thumbs. I had my hands clasped together but my thumbs were side by side. Right as he released the pitch I crossed my right thumb over my left thumb...and then BOOM! Game over.

The greatest thing about it was it finally made the obnoxiously loud Orioles fans sitting across the aisle from me shut up. Jerks.

We had a great view of the trajectory of the home run from our seats in Section 410.



So I left the Stadium a happy girl, my Yankee jeans win streak was still in tact, (4-0 so far) and my boys are now in a first place tie.

Hells yeah.

I Hate You

Dear Asshole,

Any lingering feelings I may have had for you are gone. I am better off without you in my life and I am a better person than you. You are an immature jerk and you are a miserable excuse for a human being.

Have a nice life, no wait, don't.

Me

First time

I decided to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge today. It was great. The weather was beautiful and it was such a nice walk. I highly recommend it.

My Brown Eyes are Blue

Right now I'm listening to Crystal Gayle's "Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue" which was one of my favorites as a kid. I'm relating to a lot of sappy love songs. More specifically the lost love songs. Miss Whitney Houston has way too many songs that I can relate to right now. It's so sad. I used to think in 5th and 6th grade that I related to all of these songs just because my crush Joe Mackey didn't like me as much as I liked him. Young Stacey sang a lot about heartbreak but never really knew what it was like to experience it. 34 year old Stacey laughs at 11 year old Stacey. She's got nothing on me. My heart isn't broken beyond repair but man, is it bruised pretty badly. Mostly because of my own stupidity. I accept some of the blame for this. Falling for someone I have no chance in hell of ever being with is a normal Stacey activity but this time was different. He told me he loved me. He was in love with me. Then things changed. He didn't want to be with me anymore he just wanted to be friends. And no matter how many times he said it would never work out I held out hope that he would come to his senses and realize I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. The joke was on me. I was good enough for sex. Not good enough for love. That was reserved for someone else. So she gets the prize and Stacey is left with nothing. As usual. It's the story of my life. I should be used to it. Yet, I'm not. I thought for once I'd be able to win. When will I win? When will it be my turn to take home the prize? WHEN?

Rebirth

When people are asked to name the greatest day of their lives the usual responses are events such as, “my wedding”, “the birth of my first child” or “college graduation.” Not me. If someone asks me “What was the greatest day of your life?” I answer with two days, “May 23rd and 24th 2001.” And no I didn’t get married, graduate or have my first child on either of those dates. Those dates were the beginning of my rebirth.

I was born with strabismus, in laymen’s terms I was born cross-eyed. I had two surgeries, one when I was 9 months old and another when I was 9 years old. The first one was two correct both eyes and straighten them out. The second one was to correct my left eye, which had become lazy and because it was turning outward towards my ear it was affecting my vision. I was nearly blind in that eye so for a month before my second surgery I wore a patch over my right eye. That doesn’t sound too bad, does it? Well, it was a pirate’s patch. Very embarrassing for anyone but especially for a 9-year-old girl in elementary school. I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “Ahoy matey!” Or had someone say, “Arrrrrrrr” for no reason. The sad thing was I went through all of that for nothing because within 3 years my eye was turning outward again.

My friends didn’t treat me differently because of it but I was always self-conscious and aware of being different than everyone else. I know people who didn’t know me couldn’t tell where I was looking and some people actually would let me know. One guy in particular was extremely hurtful about it. His friend even said something to me and apologized for the guy, who didn’t apologize. At that point I was 19 and figured my lazy eye was just going to always be lazy and there was nothing I could do about it.

I became very introverted and some people perceived me as a “bitchy” or not friendly. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to be friendly I just was sick and tired of feeling like I had to explain why my eye was doing what it was doing. Over the years I learned how to talk to people without making eye contact and I would also turn my head to the side so it looked like both eyes were straight.

By the time I reached my mid 20s I had gotten so used to turning my head that most people didn’t know I had a lazy eye. And I figured I could live with it for the rest of my life until my Grandmother mentioned how upset she was that I never did anything about it and how much prettier I’d be if I were to get it fixed. I was pretty down after that. Grandmothers are supposed to love you no matter what, right?

So I just swept her comment under the rug for a while until a cold, grey February morning in 2001. One of my coworkers whom I was friendly with and I were washing our hands at the sink in the ladies room and she said, “I don’t want to pry but I noticed you have a lazy eye.” I felt like someone stabbed me in my gut. I nodded my head and she looked horrified and apologized, “I didn’t mean to upset you it’s just that one of my best friends is a surgeon and she specializes in that type of surgery.” I looked at her and said, “Oh yeah?” I didn’t want to get my hopes up. In my years of working in New York City I noticed a lot of other people with lazy eyes and figured if they still had them then there was nothing that could be done. “I will email you her info. You don’t have to go but I think she can really help you.” I immediately called my best friend who threatened to never speak to me again until I made appointment. She knows how to push my buttons and that was frankly the only I was going to call the doctor. Part of me was terrified because I was convinced the doctor would see me and say, “Sorry but there’s nothing we can do.”

I couldn’t have been more wrong. My appointment wasn’t until April 12th so I had a lot of time to think of scenarios in my head. The day of my appointment I was nervous but slightly hopeful.

After talking to the doctor for ten minutes she says, “Okay so how is May 23rd for your surgery?” I looked at her, puzzled and asked, “You mean six weeks from now?” She nodded. She was so sure of herself, which eased my fears a lot. She guaranteed that not only would she straighten my eye but also that it would probably stay that way forever. “It’s a Wednesday and you’ll have to take a least a week off from work, maybe more for the recovery.” I nodded my head and was so excited I wanted to jump up and down in her office. Thankfully I restrained myself. For the first time in a long time I was happy and hopeful. When I got back to work I told my boss about the surgery and she was excited for me. I was the happiest I had been in years…or so I thought.

The morning of the surgery I was unusually calm but that was most likely because I had 3 panic attacks the previous day.

I remember waiting to go in for the surgery with other patients. I remember them all having strips of tape on their faces, above their right eye or left eye, obviously depending on which one was being operated. I remember realizing I didn’t have a piece of tape on my forehead but I hoped it was because my doctor knew and didn’t need to be reminded which eye she was working on. Although she did play a joke on me beforehand and say, “Were operating on the right eye today, right?” And then she started laughing. I guess to ease my nervousness. I’ll admit I was a tad nervous waiting especially since my surgery was delayed. I stared at the clock in the pre-op room and literally twiddled my thumbs waiting to be called. When they called my name, they walked me into the operating room. I was wheeled into the operating room for the second surgery so I found it odd that I had to walk in and climb onto the operating table. I crossed myself like any good Catholic would do before I walked into the room and climbed up onto the table. I laid back and the anesthesiologist explained that they were going to put the IV into my arm. I was hoping that they would knock me out first with gas, and then put the IV in but no such luck. She told me to tighten my fist; she wiped my arm with a swab of alcohol and stuck the needle into my arm. It was probably the worst pain I had ever felt up until that point. I could actually feel the alcohol seeping into my vein with the IV tube and thought I was going to die. Thankfully the pain only lasted ten seconds because the last thing I heard the anesthesiologist say was, “You have great veins.” Before I could say something back to her I was out cold.

The next thing I see is white light, for those first few moments I thought that maybe I didn’t make it. Then as my right eye began to focus I realized that the white light I was seeing was actually a florescent light in the recovery room and as I came to I noticed I was staring up at the white ceiling tiles next to the light. This recovery was a little more frightening then when I was nine years old. At twenty-seven I was more aware of what was going on and more aware of what should be going on with my body. It felt as if my body was waking up inch by inch; first my head, my eyes, my mouth and downward to my toes. It was as if someone was slowly passing a magic wand over my body from head to toe, causing it to wake up. I felt paralyzed; I started to panic slightly when I couldn’t move my arms or legs. I tried in vain to wiggle my fingers and after about a minute or so I was able to. When I was able to move my toes I knew that I was going to come out of it intact, well at least my body was intact. We would find out about the eye the next day.

The rest of the surgery day is a bit hazy, although I do recall my mom walking me into a set of doors, not once but twice at the hospital when we were leaving. I had one eye bandaged and something flew into my right eye and I couldn’t get it out so I was walking with both eyes closed. To this day I never let her live that down. Twice! Once into a set of doors in the hallway and then two minutes later she walked me into the elevator doors!

That night I passed out relatively early and slept through the whole night, propped up so high with pillows I was practically sitting up. Thank God for the anesthesia not wearing off right away because I am a stomach sleeper.

I had an appointment the next day to get the bandage taken off. I was extremely nervous about it. Before the surgery I was having nightmares about the bandage being taken off and my eye being off center, or completely backwards. I’d always wake up in a cold sweat. I remember sitting in the chair and taking a few deep breaths before the doctor came in. She walked in with her air of confidence and looked at me and said, “It will be fine. I know it.” She slowly and carefully removed the bandage and when I opened the eye she cried out, “Oh my God!” I became frightened and she quickly explained her reaction. “It’s beautiful!” I knew it couldn’t be that beautiful, they had gone in and detached the muscles, cut them and reattached them to my eyeball. If anything it was probably bloodshot and crusty. She held a mirror in front of me and I was right. My eye was completely bloodshot but she was also right because it was beautiful and it was perfectly straight. I started crying, my mom started crying and my doctor was pleased. She went onto explain that she thought I was going to be more swollen so when she removed the bandage and saw that I wasn’t she had that reaction.

Our first stop after the appointment was Grandma’s apartment. I walked in with my huge Jackie O sunglasses and took them off for her. She had tears in her eyes and said, “Oh you’re so beautiful!” And for the first time in my life, even with my bloodshot eye, I actually felt beautiful.

I wrote this in 2003

Who knew it'd apply to right now...

Memory
There are things I should forget
Especially now
Because
according to him
They meant nothing


Why can't I forget anything?
It was cute when I was younger
Now it's a nuisance
Every detail
Every moment
Is etched in my mind
Forever


Even the ones that meant nothing
To him
Meant something to me
Some moments make me laugh
Most make me cry
Yet almost every single one
Makes me wish it never happened

From 2006

Dear God,

It’s me Stacey.

I just would like to ask you for one favor.

Can you make it possible for me to like someone at the same time they like me?

Thanks.

One more thing, can you make people who are single, you know ones without a wife and kids, like me?

Thanks!

Oh wait, I’m not done. Can you make it so I’m not so picky? I’ll be single until I’m 80 with my current standards.

Thanks!!

Aw crap another thing, when I tell people I have no interest in them can you make them get it into their thick skulls that I’m really not interested in them?

Thanks!!!

Now I feel better.

Oh wait. Can you make me not like a certain person anymore? Because it’s killing me. It feels like a piece of my heart dies everyday when I realize I can never have him.

Thanks.
Stace

Best jeans ever?

I'd say so ;)

Neda

I’m having a hard time trying to come up with the words that fully express what I am feeling from having watched that young Iranian woman die on video. A coward who was shooting at people from a rooftop gunned down Neda, an innocent bystander who was doing nothing more than watching the protests. The saddest thing to me was the look in her eyes as the blood started pouring out of her wound and then out of her mouth and nose. It was surreal that we watched life actually pour out of her and yet I cannot stop watching it. I’ve watched it nearly 10 times. I feel like I need to watch it to truly understand what is happening over in Iran. The people of the United States take it for granted that we are free to vote, free to express ourselves through protests, free to be ourselves no matter how we choose to live our lives. We get to live without fear (mostly). Neda didn’t.

Everyone must watch this video, no matter how squeamish you are. People need to understand what the people of Iran are going through. They’re not evil. The people running the country clearly are. The citizens are victims of this evil and they are trying to change their way of life. I, for one, support them. As human beings we all should. We’re all one no matter what country we come from, what God we pray to, what gender we are…I urge you to support your Iranian brothers and sisters as they fight for their freedom like our forefathers did for us over 200 years ago.

I wrote this back in September

I open the door
you walk in
no words are spoken
the kissing begins
fast
hard
wet
desperate
our bodies press against each other
grabbing on for dear life
moaning
grunting
barely breathing
you undress me
I undress you
I take all of you
in my mouth
you cry out my name
as you cum
I smile
as I drink it all
you pick me up
you push me against the wall
you kneel in front of me
you start tasting me
licking
sucking
using your fingers
to fuck me
I cry out your name
as I cum
you stand up
you take my hands
you lead me to the bed
I lie back
you climb on top
you look at me
with your sex eyes
they penetrate through me
you enter me
thrusting
slow
fast
hard
wet
fantastic
you hold my hands
above my head
pinning me
I wrap my legs
around you
like a vice
I don’t
want you
to escape
your moans get louder
you’re close
you let go of my hands
I grab your ass
pushing you
deeper inside me
you scream my name
as you cum
I take it all
you collapse
exhausted
sweaty
spent
satisfied

Two days in a row!!

Yes, mark down the dates. Stacey left her house two days in a row (Saturday June 13th and Sunday June 14th). Saturday I met up with some friends at a bar in the city to eat, drink and watch the Yankee/Met game. The game was AWFUL but thankfully the company was not. A friend of mine offered his apartment for when I need to get away (and he goes away). Well, I wouldn't be alone, I'd be cat sitting but she's adorable so I'd love to do it. An apartment on the Upper West Side for a weekend? Yes, please.

Then on Sunday I went to the Stadium to see the boys kick Johan Santana's ass. I was not expecting that at all. No one was. But I really was dreading going yesterday morning. I was so afraid after Saturday's game that the Yankees would continue their anemic "hitting" and Johan would shut them down. I could not be more wrong. And boy was I happy to be wrong. It was a beautiful day to boot so that was good. Sunny, warm in the sun, cool in the shade...nearly perfect. It was raining in Rockland when we left for the game so we were very excited to see the sun come out while we were on the train heading to the Stadium.

At first I was angry at how many Met fans were there...and then when the Yankees went up 13-0 I enjoyed it. Heh. Although one of them stopped in front of me as I was walking and said, "Hi." all drawn and trying to be seductive. I laughed him off and walked by. He was kind of cute but I couldn't date a Met fan. No way.

I couldn't date anyone right now. Not while I'm stuck in this house. Ugh.

No, this is a happy entry.

I'm going to the game on Thursday too. I hope the weather cooperates. *crosses fingers*

Okay I need to go to bed now.

Hurt

A year ago tonight I was sitting on a park bench in Boston with someone who at the time was the most special man I had ever met. We just sat there and talked and kissed and talked and kissed for a couple of hours. It was an unseasonably warm night, there were people passing us as we kissed; people playing instruments (we were near Emerson apparently), two girls were putting on a show for us near the wading pool of the Christian Science Park, security cars were driving by. We didn't care. It was the first night we met face to face and yet it felt like we knew each other for years. It ended up being one of the top 5 nights of my life. Actually it's in the Top 3. I've never had a night like that where everything was damn near perfect...of course nothing's ever perfect and it didn't last. And I wish I could say I'm looking back at last year's perfect night with fondness but that would be a lie. I am still hurt and probably will remain this way for a while. I think if things ended more cleanly I'd be okay about it. Maybe in June 2010 I will be able to think about the night in June 2008 when my life changed forever and not cry...I hope.

I really want amnesia

I am so depressed right now. I have the unfortunate ability to remember lots of minute details about events, people, etc. I also have an ability to remember specific dates and what happened during those specific days. Let's just say I was a hell of a lot happier a year ago tonight than I am right now. It actually kills me to think about how different things were then. How different I was. And it's not just the physical stuff. I was 15 lbs heavier last year at this time, still in Weight Watchers and working to get to my goal of losing 60lbs. But emotionally I was a LOT different. A lot of things have happened to me in the past 365 days. Some really good, some really bad, some downright awful...And you'd assume that thinking about the bad stuff is what's getting me upset. Nope, its the good stuff that's really making me lose it. If I knew then what I know now I would not have let a lot of stuff happen. Actually truthfully I wouldn't have let any of it happen. I didn't think I'd feel that way but I truly believe I would have been better off never letting myself fall so much. I was so stupid. I was stupid to think things would work. I was stupid to let myself fall for such bullshit. I acted like a teenager. I am a grown woman. I shouldn't have let it go so far. Oh well. You live and you learn right?

At least if it ever happens again I will have my guard up. Way up. It actually may be really tough for someone to crack because I cannot get hurt like this again. I probably won't survive....

Frustrating

I am so frustrated right now. It's humiliating not being able to find a job. I feel useless and worthless.

Does everyone go through this when they lose a job and can't find another one? If so, there are a lot of sad people right now.

Yeah whatever

I started this thing thinking I'd be writing up a storm again since that's all I have time to do but I'm not. I feel like I can't let myself express what I am really feeling on here. It's pretty frustrating. One of these days, hopefully soon, I will let my guard down.

But for right now this is the nonsense you'll be stuck reading about:

My mom and I took a trip down to Paramus NJ. First stop was Riverside Square. Riverside Square has all of the high end stores in it and was predictably pretty empty. My mom stopped at the GAP to buy a pair of pants. When we left the house we were only going to get lunch at a local hang out and then drive to Northern Jersey to get gas so she was wearing a pair of running shorts. She doesn't usually feel comfortable wearing them out in "public". Its one thing to be a mile from home near people you know to being in Paramus NJ surrounded by rich, stuck up women and their expensive handbags. Heh. Luckily for me I had one of my expensive handbags on me. One woman who I would imagine looks frightening without any make up on was staring at my bag. I wanted to say, "Yes it's real." I didn't buy anything. It turns out I also fit into the pants my mom bought. And now I am know for sure that I am a size 8. The pants are low waist size 8's. I've come a long way since September of 2007 when I was nearly a size 18.

Our next stop was my third favorite place on earth behind Yankee Stadium and Disney World...IKEA! IKEA was also pretty empty. I love weekday shopping. So peaceful. I saw the furniture I wanted but there was no way my mom and I could carry anything or fit it in the car. I want 3 pieces. One six drawer dresser, one eight drawer dresser and a three drawer dresser with a mirror attached. The only thing I am not sure about are the colors of the pieces. They all come in two of the same colors (black/brown or white) but the six drawer tall dresser comes in blue also. And I kinda like the blue. Damn decisions. And I am leaning towards NOT getting white because I grew up with white furniture. I liked the way the black/brown pieces looked in the store. We'll see. I have to clean my room out before I buy furniture anyway. I have nearly all of the crap from my apartment in here. I barely have anywhere to walk.

Okay I just saw how the Red Sox lost last night. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Good.

I'm glad my Yankees finally won and that Phil Hughes came out and did his thang. It's about time.

I won't get too excited because Joba can come out tonight, look like ass and the offense can go back into their funk. We'll see.

I need someone to come with me to the game on Sunday and I can't find anyone who wants to go. How lame is that???

Maybe I'll put the ticket on Stubhub or something.

Rambling

I love sex. I love everything about it. I love feeling someone inside me. I love feeling him on me. I love holding onto him for dear life as I orgasm. I love the messiness. I love how it's never perfect. I love to laugh when a silly noise is made. I love being loud. I love letting him know that what he is doing is fantastic and feels fantastic. I love being naked. I love being sweaty. I love doing it in front of a mirror while he's behind me so we can see each other's face. I love feeling like the sexiest woman on earth for those few hours. I need to feel like that again. It's been way too long.

Now That's More Like It...

I went to the Stadium again today and sat in my regular seats. Here's the view from Section 305.



It was a little dicey there for a while but the boys mounted a comeback and won today. So I am 1-1 and I am not a jinx. No matter what anyone says.


It figures Carl Pavano would pitch well. Asshole. He couldn't do that while he was a Yankee?


There were tons of empty rich people seats today. It's really pathetic. The Yankees need to fill those seats somehow. It looks awful on TV.


Here's a view from above centerfield.








More views from my seats.

Home Opening Day 4-16-09

So Stacey thought she was being clever by getting to Yankee Stadium by 10:15a...apparently most of the other 48,000 people had the same idea. Oops. Thankfully it wasn't hard at all to get into the new place. And it seemed most of the people who were milling around outside were doing just that. As I waited in line I looked around in wonder at the building. It's really attractive to look at, much more so than the old place. The older gentleman who scanned my ticket smiled and said, "Welcome to Yankee Stadium. Enjoy the game." I smiled back and said, "I hope to." I stepped into the Great Hall and couldn't believe how open it was. This wasn't my father's ballpark. I had to duck and bob my way through the crowd to avoid blocking other people's pictures.

I walked around aimlessly for a few minutes and explored my new favorite place. I ventured up to the grandstand level i.e. my regular spot and I walked all the way over to my seats. Not a bad view for all the way out in right field. It will take a little getting used to, my seats in the old place were right above first base. After I looked around I took the elevator (yes you read that correctly) to the field level and headed towards my seats. The girl looked at my ticket and said, "You're supposed to have a wristband. You need to go to guest services." Um okay. A wristband? "It gives you all access." All Access? What? I was confused and walked around trying to find guest services. When I finally did, a nice gentleman walked me to the entrance to the Legends Club. Apparently because I spent more than half a month of rent on a ticket I had rich people privileges. I will tell you what that means in a second.

So I am standing, waiting for my wristband, looking around and still mightily confused because at this point I still didn't know what this ticket entailed. I walk in and I am greeted by a friendly girl who explains everything to me. I can eat whatever I want in the Legends Club and out by my seats and I don't have to pay for it. People will take my order from my seat and bring me whatever I want...um yes please! I am praying to God that I win megamillions so I can just go to Yankee games the rest of the season and sit in the cushy seats.

I walked into the food area where they had stations set up. You name it, it was there. Lobster, shrimp, lamb, steak, breakfast food, dessert, salads, soups...I ended up having steak with horseradish sauce. It was fantastic.

I sat at a table alone and a nice waiter named Roy got a Pepsi for me. A few minutes later an older gentleman asked if he could sit with me. I didn't object. He also didn't know about this whole food thing. He bought his $200 seat off the street right before he walked into the Stadium. He ended up getting shrimp and lamb. We talked for a little while and he just couldn't believe how beautiful everything was. He called his wife to tell her what happened and then called his son to rub it in. Heh. We went our separate ways and I decided to make my way to my seat.

I sat just beyond 3rd base in the 4th row. Every seat had its own cup holder and every seat was cushioned and the leg room was fantastic. It was a beautiful, sunny day.

Unfortunately the Yankees ended up getting their asses kicked in BUT I still had a great time.

I honestly didn't pay that much attention to the game. I was too busy taking pictures and looking around and soaking everything in.

The Stadium is gorgeous. Truly amazing.

And I admit I was one of those people who was against it being built in the beginning. I had so many great memories in the old place. But I have to admit I was wrong. It may have moved across the street but it's still Yankee Stadium and it certainly felt like we were right at home there.

Some people....

I am not new to the Internet. I have been a message board user since 1998. I had a website where I ranted about everything from my love life (or lack of) to my periods to my best friend betraying me to my weight gain. But for some reason I always get shocked by how people act on the Internet. Some are obnoxious people who hide behind a screen and insult people because there is no way they could ever do it in real life. And it makes me laugh sometimes because they somehow think they are better than their fellow message board members. Like they're not a loser for being on the Internet all the time.

Here's a message to those people.

FUCK OFF.

A day in the city and other crap....

So I left my house at 11:10 to catch an 11:19 bus to the city which came at 11:26. Typical. It smelled like a urinal. My nose adapted to the smell about 15 minutes into the ride which I guess is good. But seriously, how does a bus WITHOUT a bathroom on it smell like a urinal? I'm afraid to find out.

It seemed like it took forever to get to the city but once I was there I became happy. I miss the hustle and bustle of Manhattan so much. I miss being annoyed at the trains running behind schedule. I just looked around at everyone else who was on the A train with me and soaked it in. It was great. I cannot wait to be able to move back into the city.

The meeting with the head of the placement agency went well. She said she had 3 places in mind for me and she'd let me know by the end of the week. I felt great when I left her office. She seemed very positive which in turn made me positive. (if you keep reading after this entry you will find out that I am not usually a very positive person--I am trying to fix that but its been ingrained in me since birth)

I had time to kill before my therapy appointment so I decided to get a desperately needed haircut. I hadn't gotten my haircut since October. I just took an inch off. I'm trying to grow it out again. I miss my long hair. Although I have to say it's scary when you look at your hair and think, "Wow it's getting so light" then realizing it's not getting lighter, it's getting WHITER. WTF? Suddenly I have tons of gray hair. I used to only have like 12 of them. Now, they're everywhere. I didn't want to have to start regularly dyeing my hair but it looks like I will have to. Oh well. I lasted this long. I'll be 35 in August. I had friends in college who were going gray at 20/21 so I should consider myself lucky. And gray hair on some people is very becoming. There is a lady I sometimes see on Metro North who has very pretty gray hair. Some men look fantastic with it. Me? Not so much. I can't imagine myself with it. At least not yet.

I love shocking my therapist. It's pretty easy to do and I did it today. I love seeing her face when I tell her something "juicy". I've been seeing her for nearly 7 years. And thank God for that. She has seen me through a LOT of ups and downs since 2002.

After therapy I decided to get my nails done. Nothing too crazy just chopped them off and had the girl put a clear coat of polish on. The sweet Asian girl who looked like a dead ringer for Lisa Ling. It was actually weird. She looked so much like her. I tipped her extra because she also waxed my eyebrows for me. I am finding it strange typing with my fingers right now instead of my dragon lady nails. The girl was amazed at how strong my nails are. I wish my hair was as strong as my nails and grew as fast as they do. Oh well. At least I got something going for me.

Let's switch gears totally and discuss the awesomeness that is Nick Swisher. I am so glad the Yankees got him. One, he is hilarious. Two, you can tell he really loves the game of baseball and doesn't just see it as a job. Three, he pitched a scoreless inning last night. How can you not love that? Michael Kay had an issue with it, Jorge Posada had an issue with it and Mike Francesa had an issue with it. All three of them can go piss off. Baseball should be fun. The Yankees were getting their ass handed to them. Swisher was having fun out there. He's not a pitcher. He's a position player. Give him a break. Some people are too uptight. Jesus.

Okay, I am signing off for now. My right wrist is bothering me which isn't a good thing if I get a job and I have to be on a computer all day...oy.

Ha Nick Swisher just hit a HR. BOOYAH!

Hi

I've decided to start a blog again. I'm sick of keeping my thoughts inside and not being able to express myself. So, no matter how goofy my thoughts are, no matter how silly my ideas are, no matter how pissy my rants are, I'm posting them.

No holding back.